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Losing concentration

Helena Jidborg-Alexander

Open Door - May 2009 pages 12-13

drawing of the inside of the head looking like a maze

When I was about nine I fell in love with books. I was a quite shy child and would much rather spend time reading than going out playing with other kids. When we went on holiday my bags were always very heavy as I used to bring at least 10 books along. I would read in the car, on trains, at the poolside, in noisy restaurants - I am sure I even used to walk and read at the same time. It didn't matter how busy or noisy it was around me, I would just sink in to my little world. This meant I ended up being really good at speed reading at school, I would always do well at tests where you had to read a text really fast and then answer questions. And I really never suffered from 'ants in my pants' as a child - I was really good at concentrating on the task at hand. As geeky as it may sound, books and reading were my life.

That was over 20 years ago, and things have changed quite a lot since then. I still love to read, but it's just not as easy as before. It is hard to say when it really started to get worse but I'd say probably around two or three years ago. I used to commute to London, and I noticed I just would not be able to concentrate on my book. I'd start skimming through it, or I would read the same thing over and over. Things on the train would distract me, or something outside would catch my attention.

I'd started finding other things weren't really right either. I could sit and watch a film and really enjoy it, and suddenly get fidgety and feel the need to check my email. Or I would be concentrating hard at work and suddenly just loose track of what I was doing, having to stop and think a few steps back, to understand what I was supposed to do.

My husband used to say I had developed ADHD from being a child of the MTV generation. But it didn't make sense, from being able to concentrate so hard to just losing track of things. Around this time I also started to lose words a lot - the 'I have it on the tip of my tongue' syndrome. Something that is greatly annoying, especially if the person you are talking to tries to help by shouting lots of words at you.

When I was diagnosed with MS I didn't know much about cognitive problems. In fact when I first read about them, I just ignored them. I couldn't really admit to myself that something could be wrong with my brain. I don't even think I told my neurologist about them. Losing words I blamed on fatigue and speaking two languages (I am from Sweden originally). The lack of concentration I tried not to think or talk about.

Somehow the idea of losing these things, which I always used to be so good at, scared me more then the idea of having bad relapses or ending up in a wheelchair.

But last year it got to the point where I had to admit to myself I did have a problem, and it wasn't going away. The thing that brought this on was the office in which I worked. I was sitting smack bang in the middle of an open plan office, just by the telephones that rang all day. It was always very busy around me. I started feeling like I needed blinkers. There was so much going on, I lost my train of thought constantly. But I didn't want to say anything as it wasn't anybody's fault - it was me loosing concentration, it was me who started to fidget or look and talk to anyone that would walk past.

But eventually I noticed that my work started to suffer, things would take twice as long as they really needed to. I realised I just had to admit defeat and 'come out'. So during a one-to-one with my manager I told her what was up, and that I found it really hard to concentrate, my work was suffering and that I felt really bad about it. I was really scared that if they moved me, people would take it the wrong way. I felt like a failure. I never wanted special treatment because of my MS, but being pigheaded when it is actually making things worse for you isn't really very clever.

Now I sit on my own, and have a pillar behind me that blocks out the sound a bit. I am still in the same open plan office but I don't notice the phones ringing as much, or hear people talking or walking. I won't lie and say it solved all problems - there are still days when I struggle. At these times I tend to try to go and sit alone in a meeting room, or ask if I can work from home, if I know there is something that demands 100% of my attention.

I know that there are people out there who have far worse problems with cognition than I do and some people have even had to give up their jobs because of it. So far I get by just making some adjustments.

I still read a lot, I just do it where I know I won't be disturbed or distracted. The joy of reading at the poolside for example isn't so enjoyable anymore. My two favourite places to read these days are in bed or in the bath tub, places where it is quiet.

So I guess I have accepted that things are not like they used to be. It is not great, but I can try to do something about it, and realise how important it is to communicate these things with the people around me.

StayingSmart - a new website to help with memory, attention span and concentration
Read, order or download the transcript of the chatroom session on cognition problems

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