Sexuality & MS: a guide for womenSection 3: Self-esteem
MS can affect your sexual identity, confidence and self-esteem in many ways. You may feel less selfconfident generally – perhaps you have had to give up activities that were an important part of your life and closely linked to your self-image. You may have undergone physical changes that affect how you view yourself – some women feel that their body has 'let them down'. Perhaps you worry that you will be less attractive to your partner or a potential partner?
Below we offer some suggestions that may help improve your physical and psychological self-esteem and your capacity to be positive.
A positive outlook
For some women, living with MS can have a profound impact on how they feel; they see themselves somehow as a less 'useful' or productive member of society or fear becoming a burden. If you feel like this it is important to challenge these perceptions. Consider how you might replace them with more positive beliefs. It won't happen overnight, but it is possible to change negative patterns of thinking and replace them with a more upbeat outlook.
List your strengths:
it can be helpful to remind yourself of your core strengths and the things that you like about yourself – these won't have changed, even though you have MS. List five things that you like about yourself as a person and ask family and friends to contribute their lists too – you might be surprised what they come up with! Keep a note of these and refer back to them whenever you need a confidence boost. It is also useful to start each day with a positive statement about yourself.
Keep in touch:
don't cut yourself off from people just because you have MS. Try to keep in regular contact with friends, either face-to-face, over the phone or online social networking sites – a good old gossip can be a real mood booster and can help you to feel more connected to the outside world. If you find it difficult to get out, invite a friend round for a coffee or glass of wine.
Learn a new skill:
perhaps you have space and time in your day to try something new. Learning a new skill can be great to boost self-esteem and can provide a real sense of achievement. It can also be a good way to get out of the house on a regular basis. If mobility is a problem, there are plenty of correspondence or online courses to choose from. Some courses are subsidised or even free for students receiving certain benefits.
Volunteer:
helping others through volunteering can also help you to feel more positive about yourself. Perhaps you have a skill that would benefit other people or could be passed on to them, or perhaps you are willing to devote some of your time and effort to good causes. Contact local charities to see if you can support them in any way or check on the internet for projects in your area (see Section 6). You may also want to talk through your interests with your MS specialist nurse who will know what is available locally.
Stay active:
many women feel good if they exercise regularly. It is well known that exercise can boost your mood, increase your energy levels and your self-esteem. An additional bonus is that it helps maintain a healthy weight and improved tone.
Women with MS can manage a range of exercise activities and some report that they have become fitter than they were before their diagnosis! The MS Trust DVD Move it for MS! and web-based Exercises for people with MS will get you started. If you want to go further the MS Trust web pages Staying Active will give you lots of ideas of sport and leisure activities. See Section 6 for more details.
I am quietly working on getting my confidence back – following a relapse it is hard going. I have a 13 month old baby so she is now getting me fit again as we go out power walking and I am finding that I am now losing weight and feeling fitter – my confidence is coming back.
Suzanne
Accentuate the positive:
it may help to focus on the good things in your life and concentrate on what you still enjoy doing. Although your life has changed, it is definitely not over. Know your limitations but never aim too low. Think about what you have enjoyed doing in the past as you may find that these activities are still enjoyable for you. It can help to keep a stock of comedy DVDs for when you are feeling down – laughter is a great tonic!
Be realistic:
if your mood does not improve over a number of weeks and life is becoming a real struggle, don't suffer in silence. You may be suffering from clinical depression and will need some form of treatment. The first step is to talk to someone. It may be a family member or friend, your GP or MS specialist nurse. Particular signs to watch for are ongoing sadness and tearfulness, problems sleeping, changes to your appetite and general loss of enjoyment of life.
Physical confidence
Many women find that their body image changes because they have MS. Being comfortable about your body and making the most of your best features together with staying as fit and healthy as you can is key. Forget the myth that you need a perfect face and figure to be sexually attractive. Let's face it – without a team of stylists and make-up artists and the help of plenty of airbrushing, even celebrities are far from perfect! Maximise the positive and minimise the negative; look at ways of disguising your problem areas and flaunting your assets.
When I feel reasonably OK I try to set aside time for me at weekends – full body scrubs, moisturising, nails, including nail varnish. After these I feel like a human. Give me a man – now!
Michelle
Buying yourself sexy lingerie might help boost your esteem. My partner urged me to break away from Markies functional black knickers for once … and it worked. I felt better about myself!
Karen
There are plenty of simple things you can do to feel good about yourself:
- invite friends round to your house for an afternoon or evening of pampering treats, such as facials or manicures. You could club together to pay for a beauty therapist from a local salon to carry out the treatments, or ask everyone to bring along some beauty products and try treatments out on one another. Even something as simple as eyebrow shaping can make a real difference. Or, if you're feeling brave, try a wax!
- if you wear make-up, think about updating your look – many department stores offer free makeovers at the beauty counters or charge a small fee that is refundable if you purchase products.
- if you have always taken care of your appearance, then keep on doing this. There is no reason why you shouldn't spend time and money on yourself.
- treat yourself to a new perfume or gorgeous bath oil – being surrounded by lovely fragrances can have a really positive impact on mood.
- if your body shape has changed, adapt your clothing to focus on your most attractive features and to disguise tricky bits.
These may sound like relatively simple steps but they can make all the difference. Changing negative ideas you may have about your body image will take time, but if you begin to feel more confident in your appearance, this can provide a huge boost to your self-esteem.
This is me. I can't do anything about it. Like it or lump it!
Michelle
In terms of enhancing sexuality, I like to do the same things as other women – buying new clothes, nice underwear, having nights in with my partner and spending time together – I have slowly learned to view myself as a woman WITH MS, rather than an 'MS sufferer' being my most important label.
Esther